consumed...

I don’t know why I’m so angry sometimes, and I feel like I direct it at Rob, like I’m angry at Rob. Then I watch movies like Twilight and start to wonder if there are some relationships that you just don’t get over, ever, and they pull you down for the rest of your life. You feel guilty about it, and stupid because you know he treated you like shit, and so incredibly sad that he’s gone. For me, unfortunately, there’s more than one man that makes me feel like that, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about that. And I’d say that I don’t want them back, but sometimes I do wish things had worked out with them.

I feel like things with these men were so wild and passionate, fiery and painful and amazing all at the same time…and things with Rob are so simple and easy and so decidedly UN-passionate and wild. Sometimes I just miss the fire and madness, even if it wasn’t all good. I miss being so entirely consumed by someone and having them feel the same way about me. Mostly, strangely, when I think about being consumed by someone I think about Joseph and how things were with us for SUCH a long time. Every single weekend he’d be there, in my face, in my bed, in my apartment…torturing me, touching me, taunting me, making me hate him and love him at the same time. The whole thing was so tumultuous and ridiculous, but yet we couldn’t just walk away from it and move on, we really had this burning desire to be in the same house, even if we weren’t in the same room, just so there would be the off chance we’d run into each other and have a moment, any kind of moment. Sometimes I understood that it just had to be that way because if he was gone, or I was gone, I’d never function because he’d never be off my mind. And during the week he wasn’t, luckily school was so thankfully boring and simple-minded that it didn’t matter if I couldn’t function past a fourth grade level because I could do it all in my sleep. Then Friday would roll around and the knot in my stomach would be there from the moment I opened my eyes, my whole body alert and aware, knowing that I would see him that night, anticipating the conflict. Then, when I got what I wanted, I was torn. I loved him and hated him, wanted him and wanted him to go, and rarely did I have the strength to choose an action…so I did nothing and let the chips fall where they may. We had our good nights and our bad nights. Some nights he would come up behind me as I sat at my computer, DJ’ing the party, too terrified to leave the chair…and he would softly play with my hair, watching my jaw clench and unclench, waiting for me to lose my resolve and look up at him. When I did he’d won for the night, he would have me in his arms, I would be in his arms, and we would torment each other until our eyes finally closed in sleep. Some mornings I would wake up, finding him wrapped entirely around me like a tree trunk, and yet so soft and comforting. I knew I could escape any time I wanted, because he was asleep, because he couldn’t talk me out of moving with his eyes…but I couldn’t make myself move, because deep down I hoped this would be the day he would wake up and stop all this madness, ask me to go with him to the East Coast, finally say what he felt and not hide it when he was sober when he so obviously couldn’t when he was drunk. All of his friends were rooting for us, I was rooting for us, and I never knew exactly what he was doing in his head. Not until about three years later, when he’d married and divorced a woman, and quit drinking for good, did he finally tell me how much he regretted never telling me how much he needed me and how much he wished he hadn’t fucked up. I knew it all along, and wish to god I could have convinced him then of what I always knew to be true. He’s in love again, and she’s such a fucking selfish, young little brat. I have NO idea what he sees in her, but don’t know how to get him to see the light. I don’t need him like I used to, and don’t dislike her because I want him with me…I just don’t want him to settle for anyone less than me and what we once had and didn’t realize it. I want him to have that or better. I want him to be consumed again...