Why is it that we fall in love at the most imperfect situations? Or is it that were too busy guarding our hearts that it makes the situation/circumstances less than what they are meant to be? THAT is the question.
I know for me this is true. Ever since I went through the “puppy” “haze covered eyes” admiration recipient situation with my ex-fiancé and then my swift foreign love affair…my force field of protection is definitely up. These were two situations where I allowed myself to be fancy-free in love (especially with the BULGARIAN).
We can be so open about the positive effects of LOVE, being in LOVE and what we do when were in LOVE. We sing, we dance, we live in this world of “fruitfulness”. The flowers are in bloom, ideas run rapid and there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the world for you and your object of affection. Until, you recall what it was like to be HURT and how much that really did SUCK.
For many of us fear is a major motivator…As children we did our homework to appear good in the eyes of our parents for we feared not being able to have the freedoms of disobedient, BAD GRADES. Now I find myself in a situation of Love where I have agreed to, played cool all so I wouldn’t get hurt (funny enough I think the object of my affection is doing the same).
Long before I really started feeling like he was worth more than my naughty little thoughts of what if’s, we were friends. We were friends that hung out together, laughed together and drank together. The problem was that he was a gentlemen and I am a sucker for that. Friendship bloomed into an imperfect agreement that the benefits of a warm body to snuggle with were just too good to pass up. I believed this to be true until I started to spend more time with him…see him for more, know more about him and hear his heart. See a side that few get to see…I’m sure –he has told me so. Than whomp! I was hit with the WTF moment.
For the both of us we knew things were starting to feel like more…I think that he does want to feel loved but doesn’t feel worthy of love and I am definitely not helping the situation because I am playing cool, calm and collected, don’t want to share my deep heart, I just want to share that wonderful supporting “friend” aspect of me. I don’t want to be real about what I feel and how angry his comment about going to Thailand with a friend made me feel but, this is our reality and I can’t help but feel that the reason we are in the shit that we’re in right now is because we are two people, falling in love in the perfect situation allowing our imperfections of the past to aid us in finding WRONG!
-Jade
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