What I wanted to be

Ok this is my first post here so I hope I am doing this right.

I wanted to be a cop when I was a kid (having a gun appealed to me).

During my eighth grade year I then decided that I would use my voice and go into sports broadcasting. That was my goal throughout high school and I did broadcast for my high school's radio station for two years.

Now I am doing something completely different (politics). However, journalism will always appeal to me.

It is interesting to look back on what you were going to be and how that manifested into a indentity that people knew you by. It struck me yesterday at the mall when I saw my old co-worker at the radio station and he asked if I was still pursuing a career in broadcast journalism (I had not seen him in years). We are friends on facebook and he could have seen that career goals had changed but he still asked me that....

Scott

"Question Everthing"

i remember when i was younger, seriously, i promise to GOD...i really wanted to be a paleontologist. i oddly knew what one was hahahahaha! i was OBSESSED! i loved dinosaurs and wanted to dig up their bones. all the way to, okay.

anyone remember the nature company at ala moana? like fucking ages ago back when had woolworths?

i used to go there to get dinosaur bone models and for Christmas and birthdays my parents would buy fake dinosaur bones like, the small ones. and dig it in the yard so i could pretend. it was so fucking awesome.

it's fun to think back on it now that i'm a hair stylist. but i guess in a sense, i'm still playing with one of the most organic materials on earth.

<3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">gustoness.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why?

I've had this chat before with Vincent ,
and we've both agreed what I wanted to be when I was a kid was pretty gay, less gay as I got older though.
I wanted to be a fashion designer - course at that time I didn't use the term 'fashion designer' instead, I'd just tell people (my mum) I'd like to make clothes. As a kid, I was actually aware of what people were wearing, or which colour should go with which, and was more picky than my young peers on what I wanted to wear everyday to school. Why? obviously when I was a kid I wouldn't know why, it'd just appealed to me. As time moved on (pre-teen to teen years) I found myself cutting up t-shirts, jeans, teaching myself how to sew, read a lot of books about fashion and constantly updating myself with what's going on in the fashion world, I became more passionate/a bit obssessed and discovered it is one of my strongest passions and sadly, dream - sad because I know it might not be fulfilled *still hoping for the right opportunity though*
But yup, no doctor, no lawyer, no scientist or astronaut when I was a child, but a fashion designer. lol

Um, I'll do last weeks topic as well even though I wasn't really into it since I don't like my name(s) in general since they sound / meanings are very passive and I actually wanted my brothers name (Samuel) or a more fierce name.

Kevin, (old Irish Caoimhghín or Caemgen), is a male first name of Irish origin. Kevin is not a biblical name. Kevin is believed to be derived from the Irish coem "kind, gentle, and handsome" and gein "birth".
My asian name, where only my family time to time would use is Hien or Minh Hien (but it's never that formal) and it means bright, smart (Minh), and kind, gentle, nice (Hien), it's also a unisex name. Supposedly my grandfather named me and died shortly after, so I've never met him.
So basically my parents and grandparent (s) ? wanted me to be a smart, bright, kind, gentle, nice, handsome being. *smirk*

That's all.

aloha~

sorry this is so late vince!
(it's kenny!)

1. i actually have 2 names, an american one given by my dad... and a japanese one given by my mom. my american name is kenneth, the origin is from ireland (ofcourse) and means .... handsome *blush*. japanese name , ryuta, means great dragon...

2. when i was little, i wanted to be an evil scientist.. ive changed quite a lot over the years :-p!

My name. Vincent.

How disappointing. My friends aren't taking part in this blog as much as I had hoped. This has been part one of finals week for me, so most of my time was sucked up by both school and work. Even now, on my day off, I gotta wake up early to meet people to study. Yay.

Well, my name was actually decided between my mother and my father. I believe she wanted Vincent and he wanted Christopher. They had an affair and my father divorced my mother about the same time she found out she was pregnant. I was given the name Vincent. My brother who is three-months younger than me is named Christopher.

Outside of that, my name means Conquering in Latin, versus Victor which is Conqueror.

Okay, I have things to do. Bye.

Vincent

This is the first blog I’ve ever written in my life

Hello! This is the first blog I’ve ever written in my life, so Vince, feel special. I think your reasons behind starting these blogs are wonderful, and I’m always up for meeting new people so I thought I’d give it a try. Where to begin? I think I’ll share a piece of an email I wrote to some of my family and friends while in Egypt over the summer. It was my first trip out of the country, most of my family and friends thought I was crazy for going alone, but I had the most amazing time and I’m actually going back there during my winter break! A few things went wrong on my way to and when I first arrived in Egypt back in June…kind of made me question whether or not I was supposed to be there. I was pushed outside of my comfort zone many many times, but each time something went wrong I was “saved” by a stranger or just figured it out. I made amazing friends there and by the end of the month had become part of the family. Communicating was a challenge…it’s amazing how you can find 10 different ways to explain something as simple as, “I’m not in a good mood today,” when really forced to. Ha ha. I really immersed myself in the culture, and was shown so much love and respect by the people showing me around. Anyway, I’m babbling. This passage was written the day after I visited the pyramids. I rode horses for about 3 hours in 105 degree weather in jeans and a long sleeved shirt (wanted to be respectful of the Muslim culture) and loved every second of it. Ok so here it is (finally):
The pyramids were the most amazing things I have ever seen. Sitting on a horse in front of them, I felt so small and insignificant--so much history was right in front of me. I think that is when I realized just how fortunate I was to be in Egypt. Many will go their entire lives without having experienced this wonderful culture. I came in with a mind more open to things than most people, and I was still taken aback by the kindness and hospitality shown…the respect for each other...the closeness of relationships--those are the most striking to me. Looking at the city from the outside, one sees a busy, polluted place, fast cars, noise...but beneath it all are a people who love each other deeply...who move at their own pace...who really do stop to enjoy life around them and each other, and who are happy to welcome anyone into their amazing way of life.
So there is it…my first blog entry. Oh—and just FYI…this Kia, I’ve known Vince…gosh, forever (our mom’s our best pals) and…that’s about it for now. Take care everyone.

my name is augusto. i guess i should say i'm proudly named after the father. while he was named after his grandfather. it was passed down to me i guess through the generations or something. i never really knew the meaning, origin, where it came from. so i went and looked it up.

*The boy's name Augusto \a(u)-gus-to, aug(u)-sto\ is a variant of August (Latin) and Augustus (Latin), and the meaning of Augusto is "great, magnificient".

*Used in:
Italian, Portuguese and Spanish speaking countries

*English translation/equivalent: August, Gus

Origin: Derived from the Latin augustus, associated with augur, meaning "to bless or wish well."

Name Day/Onomastico: May 7—in memory of St. Augusto.

*Name: Augusto
Origin: Latin
Meaning: Augusto name means: From Augustus meaning magic majestic, dignity, or venerable.
Gender: Boy


that's all i got.

majestic, magnificent, magic?

*shrugs*

maybe i am. i'm not fully connected with that or whatever.

time will show and tell.

grANT, 29 year old intern. HA.

Well, the mails about not posting here kind of got to me. Even though, I am behind on 4 out of 4 final projects for this semester. Ah wells, anything to avoid school work and work work. I recall Vincent mentioning to introduce who I am and such on this so, I'm grANT, moved to SF this past April, go to the Academy of Art, intern at the Academy of Sciences. Oh, and I enjoy killing myself slowly with tar and coveting the RED camera. I've known Vincent since back in the 1990's, somewheres, one of the rare few from back in those days that I still have regular contact with, and I'm glad I still do. That's it for now, time for some more tar & nicotine filled lung killers.
--grANT

Same.

I wrote this one on my myspace today. And I thought I'd share it. Just thought. Not specific on who or what I'm talking about. The person does not exist. It's just a state of mind. Like an as if or whatever. Enjoy.

i don't know why
why i ever start
and yet i know
nothing works that way
the puzzle peices never fit
and still out of curiosity
to get closer to you
and still things never change
and still it changes
and if it ever did
nothing would ever be the same
and since it changes
it will always be the same

dancing in the moonlight
just to get that thing
that one thing
of few things only
you don't know
i ain't asking
i ain't saying shit
i don't know what to do

and as i sit here smiling
you'll never make that hit
but if you ever did
i'd love it completely
and still i'd never change
and i know you'll never change
and for that i love it
you love it

let the night pass
like that drunken buzz
so fast
and let's dance together
and it'll be over
and now i know
that i won't know
and it drags on
it will keep dragging on

and you don't know why
why you ever started
it don't work that way
the blocks don't fall together
yet out of wondering
just to get closer
it won't change
but it changes rapidly
and when it does
it's not the same

and unknowingly
as the only thing
that ever changes
it won't be the same
and it's not the same
so just to change my mind
then nothing is ever the same

and when those arms
can rock around me
never knowing
everything can change
while everything stays the same

never sleep
never surrender



no one knows what i'm talking about
....

<3gusto

Thoughts about how WE play a part in the CHALLENGES of LOVE

November 30th, 2008 – 4 AM

Why is it that we fall in love at the most imperfect situations? Or is it that were too busy guarding our hearts that it makes the situation/circumstances less than what they are meant to be? THAT is the question.

I know for me this is true. Ever since I went through the “puppy” “haze covered eyes” admiration recipient situation with my ex-fiancé and then my swift foreign love affair…my force field of protection is definitely up. These were two situations where I allowed myself to be fancy-free in love (especially with the BULGARIAN).

We can be so open about the positive effects of LOVE, being in LOVE and what we do when were in LOVE. We sing, we dance, we live in this world of “fruitfulness”. The flowers are in bloom, ideas run rapid and there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the world for you and your object of affection. Until, you recall what it was like to be HURT and how much that really did SUCK.

For many of us fear is a major motivator…As children we did our homework to appear good in the eyes of our parents for we feared not being able to have the freedoms of disobedient, BAD GRADES. Now I find myself in a situation of Love where I have agreed to, played cool all so I wouldn’t get hurt (funny enough I think the object of my affection is doing the same).

Long before I really started feeling like he was worth more than my naughty little thoughts of what if’s, we were friends. We were friends that hung out together, laughed together and drank together. The problem was that he was a gentlemen and I am a sucker for that. Friendship bloomed into an imperfect agreement that the benefits of a warm body to snuggle with were just too good to pass up. I believed this to be true until I started to spend more time with him…see him for more, know more about him and hear his heart. See a side that few get to see…I’m sure –he has told me so. Than whomp! I was hit with the WTF moment.

For the both of us we knew things were starting to feel like more…I think that he does want to feel loved but doesn’t feel worthy of love and I am definitely not helping the situation because I am playing cool, calm and collected, don’t want to share my deep heart, I just want to share that wonderful supporting “friend” aspect of me. I don’t want to be real about what I feel and how angry his comment about going to Thailand with a friend made me feel but, this is our reality and I can’t help but feel that the reason we are in the shit that we’re in right now is because we are two people, falling in love in the perfect situation allowing our imperfections of the past to aid us in finding WRONG!
-Jade

i guess in a sense i'm starting to study the messages of people lately about that 4 letter word.

my unofficial thought on that thing called LOVE is this. it's over-rated. almost pointless.

but really, is it?

i'm not speaking for alot of people here, just my own.

Love...

I know it exists, how it feels, how it should feel. I've loved and been love. It's beautiful, it's wonderful.

After that boy, I reliazed that i'll never find anything that felt like that. i was sucked in, i couldn't help but fall. i never felt anything quite close to that before or since. time jets past like there wasn't such a thing. it was like a drug.

and even after the most mindblowing tumultuous end, i still care about his existence. go figure. i should hate him, but i don't.

i'm not the kind of person that will stalk you until i'm over it. when it ends, it's done. sign my name at the dotted line, seal it up, and walk away. the deed is done. and everytime, there is a justifiable reason.

am i bitter? i am. one becomes bitter after experiencing everything that one could ever experience that was wrong.

while bitter, i am happy. happy because of where i am in my life. bitter? because of all the blood, sweat and tears i put in to every relationship only for it to end by being wronged. hurt so bad.

it pains me when i see things about love on the street, internet, or online. these people want to feel something that will not last forever. they don't know the work that goes in to one.

oddly enough, all that chaos to make it work are the most memorable things.

am i over him?

totally.

do i hate him?

not at all.

do i regret anything?

never.

will i do it all over again?

yes, definitely.

when?

no time soon.

what alot of people mistake for being in love is this, something i came to learn. they stay in a relationship trying to convince themselves when they come to realize that it's not the person they want. it's the idea of the feeling toward someone. hence the whole, need to change for a man/woman.

love is the feeling you get when you have that person and having them for what they are. never needing to change a thing. a positive influence. a person that challenges you, but never competes. someone who's gonna keep themselves up not just because you're there, but because it's what they do. they just put in extra because they want to please the person but please themselves more. and someone who is going to give you the most mind blowing sex ever everytime.

i never realized what it meant to love yourself first. but it is so true. you cannot love another unless you love yourself first.

i love me, but that relationship is already turbulent as is. i can't possibly love anyone else. and i please myself everytime. sex with another person is for needs, you can't love such a person. it's impossible. and even that can't be satisfying forever. but it's fun.

at some point someone will come along and change my feellings on love. but until then, i'm in the most satisfying relationship ever.

the one with myself.

consumed...

I don’t know why I’m so angry sometimes, and I feel like I direct it at Rob, like I’m angry at Rob. Then I watch movies like Twilight and start to wonder if there are some relationships that you just don’t get over, ever, and they pull you down for the rest of your life. You feel guilty about it, and stupid because you know he treated you like shit, and so incredibly sad that he’s gone. For me, unfortunately, there’s more than one man that makes me feel like that, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about that. And I’d say that I don’t want them back, but sometimes I do wish things had worked out with them.

I feel like things with these men were so wild and passionate, fiery and painful and amazing all at the same time…and things with Rob are so simple and easy and so decidedly UN-passionate and wild. Sometimes I just miss the fire and madness, even if it wasn’t all good. I miss being so entirely consumed by someone and having them feel the same way about me. Mostly, strangely, when I think about being consumed by someone I think about Joseph and how things were with us for SUCH a long time. Every single weekend he’d be there, in my face, in my bed, in my apartment…torturing me, touching me, taunting me, making me hate him and love him at the same time. The whole thing was so tumultuous and ridiculous, but yet we couldn’t just walk away from it and move on, we really had this burning desire to be in the same house, even if we weren’t in the same room, just so there would be the off chance we’d run into each other and have a moment, any kind of moment. Sometimes I understood that it just had to be that way because if he was gone, or I was gone, I’d never function because he’d never be off my mind. And during the week he wasn’t, luckily school was so thankfully boring and simple-minded that it didn’t matter if I couldn’t function past a fourth grade level because I could do it all in my sleep. Then Friday would roll around and the knot in my stomach would be there from the moment I opened my eyes, my whole body alert and aware, knowing that I would see him that night, anticipating the conflict. Then, when I got what I wanted, I was torn. I loved him and hated him, wanted him and wanted him to go, and rarely did I have the strength to choose an action…so I did nothing and let the chips fall where they may. We had our good nights and our bad nights. Some nights he would come up behind me as I sat at my computer, DJ’ing the party, too terrified to leave the chair…and he would softly play with my hair, watching my jaw clench and unclench, waiting for me to lose my resolve and look up at him. When I did he’d won for the night, he would have me in his arms, I would be in his arms, and we would torment each other until our eyes finally closed in sleep. Some mornings I would wake up, finding him wrapped entirely around me like a tree trunk, and yet so soft and comforting. I knew I could escape any time I wanted, because he was asleep, because he couldn’t talk me out of moving with his eyes…but I couldn’t make myself move, because deep down I hoped this would be the day he would wake up and stop all this madness, ask me to go with him to the East Coast, finally say what he felt and not hide it when he was sober when he so obviously couldn’t when he was drunk. All of his friends were rooting for us, I was rooting for us, and I never knew exactly what he was doing in his head. Not until about three years later, when he’d married and divorced a woman, and quit drinking for good, did he finally tell me how much he regretted never telling me how much he needed me and how much he wished he hadn’t fucked up. I knew it all along, and wish to god I could have convinced him then of what I always knew to be true. He’s in love again, and she’s such a fucking selfish, young little brat. I have NO idea what he sees in her, but don’t know how to get him to see the light. I don’t need him like I used to, and don’t dislike her because I want him with me…I just don’t want him to settle for anyone less than me and what we once had and didn’t realize it. I want him to have that or better. I want him to be consumed again...

Professor Lucem

Today felt like a different day. I woke up happy, something was weird in my heart. I don't know why though. I went to class thinking about dealing with my classes for next semester; dealing with the problems with the advisors; thinking about becoming a professor. I thought I'd get to class early, but I didn't. I had my giant Monster. That penguin on the side is my little friend I'm taking to class until the end of the semester. I was wearing my cool penguin painted shirt, and said, "This is my baby." Haha. Hilarious.
English 471- Human Rights in Literature. My professor says I don't talk enough in that class. I've had to tell her that my mind is on totally different subjects. Today, it was discussion about Hawaii, and the 'haole' (foreigners, mostly just white people) that took the land, etc. And I'm thinking about how much things have changed since the Annexation, and also how much things are going to change in the next decades. Human Rights aren't being addressed in their conversation, only a twisted sense of justice and vengeance. One day, it won't be who did this, who did that, but who shall be doing, what shall we do. Forward looking, forward walking.
English 338- American Literature 1950s to Present. Another wonderful class. I seem to be amazing or entertaining to my classmates. I like making little projects of my 'letters to the professor' we write. My first was writing 'The Crucible', and I took the part of a citizen of Salem in outrage at the existence of witches and the mockery of this disbelievers. Then I wrote a long poem letter. Then I had photos where I pasted the letter to the back of them. And today, I got tracing paper, placed it over my final letter, and scratched it up--writing different powerful words I could have used, asking additional questions, pointing out things, noting things, and scribbling all over it. It was a fun project for me. I had to get my paper back from my professor, she gave me an A. She said it is so great that I am in the class. I told her I wanted to be a professor, and she said it would be no problem for someone like me. (Yay?) She even said I should talk to the Honors professor about taking an honors course to better prepare me. I like talking in that class, because we share different opinions randomly. It isn't where two people talk all the time guiding the mind of the class.
English 320- Introduction of English Majors. In class we are discussing 'Dementia Blog', which is the book I read one page and decided to make this blog-page. I told them about my view on talking while in person, talking on the phone, chatting, e-mailing--how each is different, we express ourselves differently, that I like to express myself to my friends in those different ways. It is enriching to be able to chat with a friend, talk to them in person, write an e-mail to them. I consider it beautiful. Oh, I was supposed to get something saying my grade for my paper for this course, but I don't see it. Boo.
2:20 Appointment. I had to meet my 471-Professor today to discuss my final paper. I also visited the advising office to make sure my major is finally changed to English. They have it on record that I changed it, but they say it must have been lost in transit--sadness. They said everything was okay, and they would just send it again, it would just take two or three weeks--too bad I register in two days. Haha. I went to the English office to talk about moving toward Professorship. The man said it is good I have direction, and also told me they have 5 positions open which are paid TA, full-scholarship through Masters. Damn. He said it is also skewed, because that also predetermines who is likely to get the Doctorate scholarship--the same people have a better chance. DAMN! He referred me back to the Undergraduate advisor to discuss options.
My appointment wasn't too deep or confusing. She could tell I had a good thesis in mind and a good idea for my paper. My work was going along well. She also thought it was not a bad idea that I wanted to become a professor. It's a different day when people don't give you problems. I'm amazed.
Yogurtland. Augusto agreed to hang out today, and wanted to meet at Yogurtland. Until he arrived, I was at the library searching through the books I'd use as references in my final papers. Yogurtland was mostly not anything I expected it to be. The yogurt I tried ended up looking like transparent brown stuff. The place was full of 12-14 year old children. The only entertainment, for Augusto, was the man that fell off his skateboard--Augusto was laughing and I was chiding him--then an ambulance came for the man. Oy.
Glazers. This proved to be our second stop. I told him it's a gay coffee shop, and the owner is this older, adorable gay man that Augusto said, "He must get a lot of action here." Then Augusto proceeded to offer the man his business card as a hair-professional, wanting to razor the guy's hair. Now that's forward. He chatted with Richee as I studied for all I could.
Down to Earth and Stuff. So we went to this Japanese market, so Augusto could stand and dance in place, looking at alcohol and Power Ranger curry, yes, that's right. Then we went to Down to Earth, which Scott boycotts. I picked up the Yogi teas that Kevin told me to get--I got Vanilla Hazelnut and Ginko IQ. Then Augusto proceeded to laugh at all the weird labels, teas, and strange smelling herbs. After this we went home.
Home. I made my fresh saimin noodles with dashi soup. I'll probably have some flat bread with olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes, too.

I'd say today was a pretty good day. Wouldn't it be cool one day to call myself a Professor?
Vincent

I had an irritating day

... therefore I will share my irritation with everyone on this blog! mwuahah! My day started out kind of bad due to my lack of sleep from the coma weekend where I got severely sick (got only 2 hrs total -just really couldn't fall asleep for some reason); so I had a lot of time to get ready actually, since I woke up at 7:30 am and needed to be in by 9 am. For some reason I had a major toothache, which is also a reminder to go see the dentist soon (AHH!) - oh not to mention I got a canker (sp) sore as well in my mouth so brushing my teeth was a pain. Literally.
Since I didn't get the right amount of sleep, I had panda eyes and such and looked shitty (one of the few times where I wish I had been a girl so then I can drench my face in make up) ... seriously... it wasn't pretty.
But, had to keep moving so I got dressed and all and that went by fast since last night I already chose an outfit mentally so I had time to buy breakfast yay! cept .. no, and I'll tell ya why later.
As I walked out I realize I've forgotten my metrocard, so I had to go back in to get it and the elevator took SOOOOOO long. Finally, got to the subway, SOOOOO CROWDED - as expected though. Because majority of the people are retarded and have no common sense or courtesy to move their fat asses to make more room and also make the subway bars available for incoming people to hold AKA ME, I had to stand without anything to hold onto and this train - the red line, they're usually the rough ones that jerk and stuff; I tried my hardest to balance but I realizing if I accidentally touched some lady's shoulders (to not fall), I'd prolly get in trouble, so then I shoved this asshole in effort to get a hold of a bar or railing .... Why shove?? - THE WHOLE TIME HE HAD LIKE SPACE ENOUGH FOR 1 MORE PERSON TO STAND BUT HIS WAY OF STANDING - LEGS ALL SPREAD OUT AS IF HE HAD A REALLY BIG ..... TOOK THE ROOM!!!!
Oh another kinder nasty thing on the subway that I noticed was this lady's calves. Sorry but they were gross.
They looked like this




The rest of her legs were skinny but her calves were like that. So creepy, so I kept staring .. and felt a lil sick. Usually I'd be oblivious to all of this but today is just one of those days where I pay attention to pretty much everything and sadly most of those things irk me.

I only have two stops so I got out and what do you know, it was drizzling and I don't have my umbrella ... IN FACT, I've somehow lost my umbrella somewhere which really saddens me, because it was somewhat a part of it, no joke. I had to walk like 7 streets in the drizzling rain. I went to my favorite in "hole in the wall" kiosk place for a usual bacon egg on a roll and a small coffee but the place happen to be closed for some reason. More sadness. So then I had to go to some other deli nearby work with a roll that had black sesame seeds on them which I dislike, but it was close and cheap. NO MORE DUNKIN DONUTS!
As I was walking, I took out my coffee wanting a few sips to calm myself down but the person who was making the coffee didn't fully seal the cap so as I drank the cap fell off and some poured out. Good think I dodged it fast otherwise it's a trip to OLD NAVY nearby to find some replacement shirt for the time being.
So I got to work all humid and gross feeling under my leather jacket and scarf (wtf was i wearing a scarf in the first place, wasnt even cold) but I wasn't happy. I had to go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and be like "OMG BREATHE... EVERYTHING IS FINE.....CALM DOWN.... SLOW DOWN ... " and relax myself which for worked at least for the morning.
The noonish I had a meeting with a client and surprise surprise I was late which tends to frustrate me and leaving me overwhelm feeling which then gives me more trouble speaking; it went well noneoftheless.
If anything, my sickness got better. I've lost my train of thought for some reason and am now thinking of going out to get some SPAM, eggs, green onions, and muschrooms to make an omelette and eat it with rice cause I'm hungry and don't want to do take out since I did that 3 - 4 times consecutively already. hmmm But yeah, now I'm home and cozy in my zone.

That's my day.
Yay 2nd contribution - more personal and informal and semi venting. Vincent you must feel proud. jk.